When we get it wrong

Nobody likes to be wrong. It just sucks. It stings so badly that we often go to great lengths to be right, to point out we’re right. We see all over social media jokes and memes about the wife “always” being right or the husband who is “rarely” right asking the wife to repeat that he is right. We find it funny, maybe even empowering.

When my youngest daughter was 5, her dad decided it would be fun to give her a Tinkerbell nail painting kit. I disagreed but went along with it because I knew she would love it and she did. We set up rules so that she would not spill the nail polish on the furniture or carpet.

One afternoon I was walking down the hall and noticed little sparkly pink stripes about three feet up on the wall.  I called her over, showed her the stripes and asked if she painted them. My sweet, innocent daughter looked me straight in the eyes with her big blues wide and incredulous and said, “No mommy.”

I said, “Well, I know I didn’t do it and daddy didn’t do it and the dog didn’t do it so that leaves you.” She immediately countered, “It wasn’t me! I didn’t do it! Don’t you believe me?” I responded, “If you didn’t do it then who did?” She answered, “Tinkerbell?”

Now, you may think I told this story to prove I was right and get a good chuckle. While there may or may not be a margin of truth to that thought, the real reason I bring up this story is to address an obvious truth.
I saw the nail polish on the wall and made an immediate assumption that daughter was the culprit.
Assumptions are tricky. They are literally believing and accepting something to be true without proof.  Sometimes we assume correctly and sometimes we don’t.

Sometimes we don’t even realize when we left “right” and jumped onboard with “wrong.” It is so easy to do and so hard to admit.

The truth about assumptions is that we make them in a split second. We hear something, see something, or somebody tells us something and without even thinking, we have reached a decision we believe to be true without proof based on our current state of mind, our history, or perceived authority.

How many times have you looked at a stranger and made decisions about them without the foggiest clue of their character or current circumstances?

Maybe you have witnessed a child exhibiting bad behavior or learned they are an addict and blamed the parents? Or come across a homeless person and automatically thought they are on drugs?

Or your spouse or kids did not do something you asked them to do and determined why without even asking?

Maybe you were told something on good authority and based life decisions on it only to find out it was not entirely accurate?

Believing something to be true without verification is a risky business. We are essentially passing judgement on someone else, usually based on our own internal bias.
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We even justify them, “If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck then it must be a duck.”

Sometimes our assumptions are true, as in the nail polish on the wall.

Often our assumptions are not true; they are driven by our woundedness or fear.

What if you asked your husband to stop at the store on the way home from work to pick something up for you and he arrived home empty handed? Your mind immediately jumped to a narrative that said, “I never ask him for help. I make this one request and he can’t even do this one little thing for me. He is so thoughtless or lazy.”

You greeted him with a snide comment or just blurted out your anger without even asking what happened. Maybe he had trouble at work with a project or his boss or co-worker. You had no idea what transpired during his day. You only knew the assumption your brain leapt to in a flash.

Sometimes we adopt the assumption so fiercely it is hard to imagine there is another possibility.

My daughter had a significant medical issue. We were told that she needed a specific treatment. It was all over our heads, so we brought in “experts” that gave us what seemed like sound advice. However, my daughter told us something altogether different.

We chose to go with the “experts” assuming they knew better. We eventually learned that my daughter was receiving the wrong treatment. We rectified the situation, and she is doing much better now, but the ramifications were big.

Because of our wrong assumptions, her appropriate treatment was delayed, and immense damage was done to our relationship.

What if your pastor preaches false doctrine and you believe because of the presumed authority the position holds?

Assumptions are our believing or accepting something as true without proof. They are essentially making judgements on others. God is very clear about judging others.

Jesus tells us in John 7:24, “Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgement.”

How do we make the right judgement? There is a lot at risk. There are people who we will hurt when our assumptions are wrong. You will be hurt when your assumptions are wrong.

We are often our own worst enemy. When we make wrong assumptions that lead to wrong choices or poor behavior, we experience guilt and if we don’t manage it appropriately and repent, shame sets in and that leads to a whole new set of problems that we will talk about another time.

So, what can we do? First, we need to slow down and not run away with the first thought that comes into our mind. The Apostle Paul tells us to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Cor 10:5).

When you start to feel your mind race or a thought set in or an emotion take over, stop and take a breath and slow down. Think through the situation, acknowledge what you are thinking and feeling. Ask yourself what is driving the thought or emotion. Do you really know the whole truth or are you assuming parts of it? Then verify before you leap.

This is true with anything. If you are being told two different things, stop and regulate yourself, verify what you know, look up what you don’t, consult reliable people if necessary. Pray for guidance. Believe God for the answer and His timing.

If you are being told a doctrine or an interpretation of scripture, look it up. Don’t take anyone’s word for it. There are so many tools available to research what is true in the bible. I reference several on the Shepherd Her website.

Friend, please remember perfection is not attainable in this world. You will make mistakes which we can learn from.

We are a work in process making progress on this side of heaven.  You are loved by your Heavenly Father, you are forgiven by the blood of Jesus, and you are enough today.

You are not alone. There Is a Place for You at the Table. Join me in the next 12 weeks for our summer series as we continue to talk about hot hard topics in a safe, supportive space. Sign up and join us live on May 23 when we will dive further into the truth about judging others and ourselves.